Money is a flash point in most marriages. Conflicts over money occur in good times and in bad but many marriages right now are incredibly strained because of financial decisions.

Adding to the economic woes is a broader trend of gender role changes in marriages. Who is the breadwinner any more? Joe Peck’s editorial in The Atlantic has raised a few eyebrows with its dire predictions of the societal impacts of the recession.

The weight of this recession has fallen most heavily upon men, who’ve suffered roughly three-quarters of the 8 million job losses since the beginning of 2008. . . . In November, 19.4 percent of all men in their prime working years, 25 to 54, did not have jobs, the highest figure since the Bureau of Labor Statistics began tracking the statistic in 1948. At the time of this writing, it looks possible that within the next few months, for the first time in U.S. history, women will hold a majority of the country’s jobs.

In this respect, the recession has merely intensified a long-standing trend. Broadly speaking, the service sector, which employs relatively more women, is growing, while manufacturing, which employs relatively more men, is shrinking. The net result is that men have been contributing a smaller and smaller share of family income.

–Joel Peck, “How a New Jobless Era Will Transform America,” The Atlantic, March 2010.

Why is money management so hard for couples? At a macro level, it seems so simple. Each partner should chip in a contribution for the basic expenses and share in the excess funds. Suze Orman gives a good explanation here.

But why isn’t it this simple?

Often the basic problem is that the couple doesn’t have enough money to fund all of their desires. Then it is not merely a conversation of budgeting and accounting but a difficult negotiation about who will sacrifice a dream and who gets to indulge. It is always hard to tell someone, especially someone you love, that they can’t have or be what they want because of a lack of money.

The Medians

If our fictional family, the Medians, were to apply Suze Orman’s advice about splitting their money among 3 accounts: his, hers and ours, their current budget requires that all of the money go in the “ours” account, leaving nothing for individual needs. Suppose Mr. Median’s goal is to eventually get a new flat screen TV, add a deck on the house and buy a new car. Suppose Mrs. Median’s goal is to update her wardrobe and hire a personal trainer or maybe she wants to stop working so she can stay home with their children.

Maybe they both have decided that life is short and they want to enjoy it now. Is it OK if they each charge up secret purchases on credit cards? When they finally have “excess” money in their budget how should they share it? Should it be a strict 50/50? Do they take turns funding their respective goals? There isn’t one answer and a lot of complex emotions involved.

How does a real life couple address these issues? Ruly Ruth shares with us.

My “BFFs” on Bravo’s “Housewives of Orange County” are showing us that even in their elite worlds, money and spouses clash/have problems that mirror all economies of life in this crazy financial era. Lynne’s husband hid from her the fact that they’ve been going under for some time now—-crashing to a horrifying halt. Ending their stay in their gorgeous home, and placing them in a condo to rebuild their lives. Even Lynne admits on the show, “We’ve been living beyond our means.”

A 2003 Reader’s Digest poll “How Honest are Couples, Really?“ found that the most frequent form of dishonesty in marriages was the amount each of the partners was spending.

From clothing purchases to haircuts/dye job costs, a new video game, even how often and where we eat out for lunch, are hidden all the time from spouses. In the grand scheme of things these items seem and may be trivial and unimportant. But when budgets are tight, an $80 blouse or even a $20 Walmart splurge can almost break the bank, especially when a couple’s main goal is working to reduce debt and increase savings.

So this brings us to two questions:

1) Why do we buy/splurge on something we know our spouse won’t be happy about? Is it because we don’t realize the price of the item until we reach the cashier? On rare occasion, yes–but the vast majority of time we DO know the approximate or exact transaction price before we pay for an item or service. So why do we still do it?

2) What can we do to reward ourselves without breaking the bank/budget? (Since often shopping is a known temporary stress relief–yet can cause marital stress once the trip is over.)

Part of the problem is education of the other spouse and appreciation of the desired object. For example, my son has a “Cars” polyester inexpensive $35 comforter. My husband was not thrilled when he learned that it was time to upgrade to a new all-cotton queen-sized comforter for about $100. (For some that would be the basement model.) Until he went to Walmart and researched online for himself would he believe me, and allow said purchase. By the way, this convincing took over two days. So I can see if you found this item for $75, which to me would be a great deal, that you would jump on it without taking the time to educate your spouse, that you would go ahead and buy it and pretend you spent $50 or whatever dollar amount would be acceptable. (I am NOT saying you SHOULD do this–just simply stating that I understand and am probably guilty of this in the past myself.)

On the flipside, my husband has wanted a welder and had to explain to me the variances and options of what is turning out to be a spendy purchase. Apparently a butane torch and a piece of metal are not all that are required!

The other issue that goes right along with this is the unwillingness of spending time on said object by the other spouse/partner. For example, my husband doesn’t mind shopping for my son’s bedding, but he does NOT want to go through a mall with me for a new ball gown or new outfits. This is unproductive to him–he’d rather “throw money at the problem” as our Uncle Jimmy would say, than spend his own time researching ball gowns and garment lines. Therefore he doesn’t always understand what makes a $300 dress MUCH better than the okay $150. (By the way—I settled for the $50 post-pregnancy-not-sure-if-I-can-wear-it-again one this year–just wait ‘til next year, honey!)

So—what do we do now? How to alleviate these purchases that cause marital discord….or at least mitigate the sticker-shock? COMMUNICATION! My husband recently told me after 11+ years of marriage he would rather we spend $25 or $100 more on an item we agreed upon rather than me snatching up a “deal” without letting him know about it first. Prior communication would be ideal, but in this world of instantaneous communication via texting and email, it’s very simple to notify your spouse of the unplanned purchase.

However, probably the best idea would be to talk each week (like we try to) and discuss how many lunches out we plan to have, what gifts we need to buy, and any incidentals that are beyond the typical household requirements. Maybe those incidentals can wait until a sale comes around, or at a later time when maybe a bill is paid off fully. This is my Ruly challenge to our readers—communicate with your spouse weekly and see if it makes a difference in your spending. I hope it does! Let us know how it goes.

How do you rate your communication skills with your spouse about money? What lessons have you learned about the marital checkbook? Please share in the comments.