Ruly Ruth: Take a Chill Pill! Or How Not to Get Stressed Out When Someone Offers You Parenting Advice
A friend confided to me recently, “I don’t think people think I’m a very good mom because they don’t come to me for parenting advice.” Unfortunately, when it comes to parenting (and motherhood in particular), there is a bit of competition. Every mom wants to feel that she is the expert on some parenting issue, and particularly on her own children, and can be easily threatened or intimidated by someone who does it better (or thinks they do). Throw some unsolicited parenting advice on this insecurity and you have the potential to completely ruin someone’s day.
Once you become a parent you may find yourself becoming a bit of a know-it-all, pushing your well-intentioned advice on others. I find this is the worst during the baby years—what worked for your kiddo may totally backfire with mine—and no, there is no ONE solution.
One of the first and most humbling lessons you learn as a parent is when you have to eat your words–realizing that the grand plan you have been telling everyone about (ex. no TV, no sugar, natural childbirth, etc.) is no longer going to work for you. We all hate these reversals when they happen to us but secretly delight when some other parent has to make them. We need a reminder every once in a while that the know-it-all parent isn’t as perfect as he or she seems to be.
As children age, these humbling experiences help to quell perfectionist parenting tendencies, but the perfectionism never really goes away, it just changes shape. While the baby stage of parenting is often the hardest physically, the older children get the more mental challenges become overwhelming. It’s hard to remember, for example, that your son’s soccer ability in no way reflects on either you, your family or your son’s prospects for a satisfying and fulfilling life as leaving a soccer game a dad on the other team that you know pulls over to your car, rolls down his window and tells you how many goals his kiddo made–and that obviously he’s a natural…..grrrrreat!
All parents want to raise well-behaved, intelligent, creative, successful children but sometimes even the best parenting in the world can’t prevent embarrassing incidents. The second most humbling lesson a parent experiences is when his or her kiddo is old enough to make a serious error of judgment—say breaking the law through a minor crime like graffiti or shoplifting, engaging in brutal teasing, experimenting with drugs, becoming sexually active or bullying–this goes both for girls and boys! Just as there are no perfect parents, there are also no perfect kids. Sometimes the incidents are far more serious like teen pregnancy or, sadly, as one mom recently experienced, a child causing the death of another child through reckless driving.
When you stop to think about all the seriously terrible things that your own children could do in this world with the wrong influences, it is enough to tempt anyone toward a controlling, perfectionist parenting approach. Yet we also know that even the perfectionist strategy is not foolproof.
So, how can you deal with inflammatory, unsolicited parenting advice? Here are some lovely, respectful responses—because after all, people give advice and information because they want to be included, helpful, and believe it or not–almost always with the best intentions!
- “Thank you for your advice.” BUT NOT “We appreciate it”–unless you truly do!
- “Hmmm….that’s interesting.”
- or….”Good for you!”
Acknowledge the comment without saying a lot to encourage more. Disregard–ignore–disregard!
It may also help you to remember that everyone has an Achilles heel and sometimes the advice you are getting reflects the advice-giver’s own insecurities rather than a failure on your part. Appearances are often deceiving and there are no “perfect” families. The perfect Type A mom, for example, may have help she doesn’t acknowledge (such as housekeepers, nannies, a trust fund or close family members), or is drowning in debt, addicted to alcohol, in a miserable marriage, hopelessly disorganized, despised by her children or secretly depressed. You may never know which parts of Mrs. Perfect’s personality are a façade but before you drive yourself crazy wondering how she does it all while you struggle, know that there is something amiss in just about everyone’s life. Fortunately, there is also something really great about everyone as well and you can also take heart in knowing that there is at least one aspect of your own life that other people, including the Type A moms, envy.
I wish you all wonderful children, fantastic lives, and hopefully peace love and joy with minimal sorrow. Parenthood is a rough battle—we need to remember that when presenting information. If we could all try to sympathize a little more, take a step back, and only interfere when absolutely necessary.
What is the best and worst parenting advice you have received? How do you cope with unsolicited parenting advice? Please share in the comments.