Ruly Bookshelf: Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

The quintessential perfectionist mom of the moment is Amy Chua, author of Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. This memoir detailing Ms. Chua’s approach to raising her two daughters, Sophia and Lulu, is supposedly about the differences in child-rearing philosophies between Chinese and American parents. Ms. Chua pursued the “Chinese” approach, demanding academic and musical excellence from her children, hours of daily practice and forbade her children from wasting time on typical childhood activities like sleepovers, playdates or watching TV.

Ms. Chua admits, however, that the cultural stereotypes of “Chinese” and “Western” parenting are not necessarily accurate and that both of these terms are applicable to people of many cultures. There are American parents who are more “Chinese” in their parenting approach and likely many Chinese parents who are more “Western” in their parenting approach. I submit that instead of cultural identity, this is really more about “perfectionist parenting.”

The author summarizes the main difference between Chinese and Western parenting as follows:

“Western parents try to respect their children’s individuality, encouraging them to pursue their true passions, supporting their choices, and providing positive reinforcement and a nurturing environment. By contrast, the Chinese believe that the best way to protect their children is by preparing them for the future, letting them see what they’re capable of, and arming them with skills, work habits and inner confidence that no one can ever take away.”

–Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

On the surface, this distinction doesn’t sound all that bad. I went into this book hoping to learn something about these cultural differences and expecting to come out with an appreciation for the different parenting styles. Unfortunately, I was not expecting the extreme to which Ms. Chua implements her parenting style and I can find little to say in support of the “Chinese” method she followed. Yes, her children are very accomplished people but due to both their genetic lineage from a long line of overachievers and the affluent environment they were raised in it is likely that they would be high-achieving kids even without their mother’s rigorous parenting.

If there is one word to describe the “Chinese” parenting method Ms. Chua describes, it is intense. So intense, that even if you wanted to use this book as a step-by-step guide for raising successful children, likely fewer than 1% of people would have the physical or mental stamina to do it. For an example of the type of hard work Ms. Chua expects of herself, consider her travel schedule below:

“[I]n addition to teaching a full course load and working with the girls on their music, I was constantly flying around the country giving lectures. I’d always find ways to compress trips to D.C., Chicago or Miami into one day. More than once, I got up at 3:00 a.m., flew to California and gave a lunch talk, then took the redeye home.”

–Amy Chua, Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother

The book does not detail an exact schedule for Ms. Chua but suffice it to say that the schedule probably involves getting up at 6 a.m. every morning to exercise, walk dogs, do work for her full-time job as a professor at Yale law school, attend her children’s music lessons to take detailed notes, musical practice along with her children for numerous hours every day (including weekends), do homework, supervise the Chinese language tutor, and research and schedule yet more activities and tutors for her children. Keep in mind, we haven’t even mentioned everyday activities like showering, cooking, cleaning, visiting the doctor, home and car repairs, etc. No wonder there isn’t time for playdates, TV or sleepovers! I am not even sure when this family sleeps.

However, there are probably at least some people reading this post thinking, “OK, so it might be challenging but yes, I think I could keep up with that schedule.” Could you be Tiger Mother material? Check the list below to see how many beliefs you share in common.

10 core beliefs of the Tiger Mother

1. The child is the extension of the self.
2. There is nothing better to spend our money on than our children.
3. I fetishize difficulty and accomplishment. Everything valuable and worthwhile is difficult.
4. I respect authority and seek out experts and authority figures.
5. I need clear goals and clear ways of measuring success. I don’t have time to improvise or make up my own rules.
6. It’s too idealistic to expect children to do the right things on their own. Also, if you force them to do what you want, you don’t have to be mad at them.
7. Childhood is a training period, a time to build character and invest for the future.
8. Children must spend their lives repaying their parents by obeying them and making them proud.
9. Failure, or the possibility of failure, is not tolerated. The solution to substandard performance is always to excoriate, punish, and shame the child.
10. I’m not good at enjoying life. Happiness is not a concept I tend to dwell on.

All of us likely have some Tiger Mother characteristics when it comes to a particular aspect of parenting but only Ms. Chua seems to apply this to every single aspect of her children’s lives. As I read parts of this book to my husband, he was astounded at some of the things Ms. Chua’s husband Jed put up with and indicated he would not tolerate her behavior. Courtland Milloy of The Washington Post felt similarly.

Ms. Chua’s two children responded differently to her parenting approach as well. Her eldest, Sophia, appears to be genetically wired very similarly to Ms. Chua, even from a young age. While it is tough for Sophia to keep up with her mom’s demands, you get the feeling that deep down she and Ms. Chua share the same mindset. You can read Sophia’s letter responding to criticisms about her mom here. Sophia was also recently admitted to both Harvard and Yale.

Younger daughter Lulu rebelled against her mother’s intense parenting style from an early age and there were many vicious fights between Ms. Chua and Lulu. Ultimately Ms. Chua backs off her demands with Lulu somewhat (although Lulu is still extraordinarily accomplished and disciplined by any standard). Lulu’s experience raises the question about whether the possible damage to self-confidence, suppression of individual dreams and setting the foundation that one of the most important loving relationships in your life is conditioned on your achievement is outweighed by giving your child opportunities for economic success and personal recognition. The world awaits Lulu’s response to her mom’s book.

This was certainly an engaging read and well-written. It also provides interesting insight into the exact amount of practice and discipline required to raise the “perfect” child as well as the parental time commitment required.

For more on the book, from the author herself, see her interview with Alison Stewart on PBS’ Need to Know below.

Watch the full episode. See more Need To Know.

Are you a Tiger Mother? Do you think Ms. Chua’s parenting approach is likely to become more commonplace in a difficult economic climate?  Please share in the comments.