Rose Rock’s Rules: Demanding Excellence without Perfectionism
So far, our discussion of perfectionist parenting has focused primarily on middle and upper middle class concerns about schooling and extracurricular activities. Yet it is easy to forget that most kids in the United States don’t fall into this category. Two recent news items really opened my eyes to this issue. First, a 60 minutes report indicating that almost 25% of American children live below the poverty level and second, an Associated Press report that African American households have been hard hit by the recession and that the median net worth of an African American household is a shocking $2,170!
I was thinking about these statistics as I read Mama Rock’s Rules: Ten Lessons for Raising a Household of Successful Children, written by Rose Rock, mother of comedian Chris Rock. Ms. Rock raised 10 children and 17 foster children in a working class neighborhood. I was curious to learn how Ms. Rock managed to instill a sense of excellence and achievement in her children despite challenging circumstances.
Chris Rock writes in the foreward:
“Rose and Julius (my father) raised me, my five brothers, and one sister without any of us dropping dead. Now that might now sound like much, but where I’m from, Bedford-Stuyvesant, Brooklyn, where four out of five black men are either dead, in jail, or making a rap CD, it’s a major accomplishment . As of the writing of this foreward, none of Rose’s children has a criminal record or has had any baby mommas.”
–Chris Rock, Foreward to Mama Rock’s Rules
It is easy for me to forget the extent to which most African Americans have encountered discrimination in this country and how relatively recent that experience is. Ms. Rock herself was born before the Civil Rights era and went to segregated schools. Her great-grandfather took care of a slave owner’s children and learned to read. He taught his children to read and write, particularly Ms. Rock’s grandmother, who, although never formally educated, revered writing and was known in her community as the learned person who could help other black people with official paperwork. Ms. Rock’s father worked construction jobs where he was often gone all week, returning home to his family on Fridays. Both Ms. Rock and her late husband Julius (one of 14 children) grew up knowing poverty and hunger in their households. Julius Rock worked the night shift to support his family and somehow managed to always have food on the table and even save for their college educations! Julius Rock passed away leaving Rose with 3 minor children to support.
The Rock family appears to have been the anchor of their neighborhood block. Ms. Rock is credited with helping to raise several other children on the block in addition to her own children and created a safe haven where kids could hang out but still be held accountable for their actions.
In the book, Rose lays out 10 “Rules” that guided her parenting. The first 3 rules came across a bit heavy-handed to me and I wasn’t sure that this was a parenting strategy I was going to identify with. But then came Rules 4 through 8 and Ms. Rock’s parental magic began to surface.
Rule #4: “Feed Them and They Will Tell You Everything”
Ms. Rock was legendary for her family dinners. She insisted that every family member be present so that the family would have a point of connection around the dinner table for at least a brief moment each day. Ms. Rock did not start out as a very good cook but her skills improved over time. When budgets were tight, she used her creativity to make cheap fare like grilled cheese sandwiches, look elegant. Dinner time was more than about food. It was about expressing love to her children, reading their body language to know when someone needed extra attention and cementing her family’s identity as a tribe that took care of each other.
It was fitting that the way that I heard about Ms. Rock’s book was from Paula Deen’s cooking show. Below you can watch a clip of Paula Deen and Rose Rock cooking Rose’s Smothered Chicken and Biscuits (the recipe for which you can also get in Rose’s book, along with her world-famous sweet potato pie).
Rule #6: Reading is Righteous
From the legacy passed down from her grandmother, Ms. Rock instilled a love of reading in all of her children. She made sure her children saw her reading the newspaper, magazines and books. She made sure they had access to a dictionary and went over the Word Power section of Reader’s Digest with them. She read aloud to her children and asked them questions afterword about the stories.
“I have such deep sadness when I see people of color who don’t read. The mere fact that blacks were once denied the right to read or be educated makes me want every black person on this planet to walk around with a book and be an excellent reader.”
–Rose Rock, Mama Rock’s Rules
Rule #5: You Are Whatever You Answer To
Included in her Rule #6 and a big part of Rule #5 is Ms. Rock’s insistence on reading to her children at home about black history, in addition to what her children learned in school, much the way other high achieving parents might drill math flash cards or foreign languages. It was critical in Ms. Rock’s household that her children had an appreciation for all of the struggles and accomplishments her ancestors and other African Americans had achieved. She did not want to give her children any excuse for not working hard. She wanted them to see that others had achieved despite even greater obstacles.
“I learned from [Mr. Joseph Thompson, principal of the segregated black school I attended,] not to answer to someone who had low expectations or unfounded negative feelings toward me. I also learned not to accept what someone did or said if it made me feel bad. . . . His advice? If people say negative things about you—prove them wrong.”
–Rose Rock, Mama Rock’s Rules
To me, these history lessons seem a major part of the reason Ms. Rock’s children became so successful. This rule could be applied not just to black children but to anyone who is trying to achieve something where they feel excluded, awkward or unwelcome. You could take this concept and apply it, with different role models, for example, to inspire a little boy who wants to dance ballet or a little girl who wants to join the military.
Another of Ms. Rock’s mandates is that parents have a responsibility to help their children have a positive self-image and not buy into media perceptions of how they “ought” to look. Chris Rock has taken this lesson to heart. Motivated by comments from his young daughters that they didn’t have “good hair,” he produced the documentary Good Hair, providing a humorous yet poignant look at what black women currently endure in hairstyling ordeals in order to meet the appearance standards of popular culture. The film’s trailer is below:
Rule #7: Push “Unable” Off the Table
The biggest praise for Mama Rock’s Rules, however, comes in Rule #7 about how she both sets high, slightly perfectionist, expectations yet avoids going overboard and demanding exactly how her children should turn out. Her quotes speak for themselves:
“Although I never said my kids had to be all “A” students, they were expected to do their best. . . . Yes, I was one of those mamas who said to my kid when he got a 97 percent on a test, ‘Good work, but what happened to the other three points?’ Here’s the thing: if I let it go and don’t ask about it, then next time they might miss two more. . . . Ask them what you need to do to help them make it all the way to 100 percent—and then do it!”
–Rose Rock, Mama Rock’s Rules
“In our family, we are allowed to fail. . . . Failure should be the ultimate motivator for a child. . . . Tell your child: real failure is in not trying to start over. It is in not dusting yourself off and finding the right path to the success that is out there.”
–Rose Rock, Mama Rock’s Rules
“Some parents try to use their children to make themselves feel better about who they are. . . . Parents, please don’t look to your kids to validate who you are. You need to validate who they are and make them do the best they are able to do.”
–Rose Rock, Mama Rock’s Rules
The world needs more mamas like Mama Rock. She is an incredible person to be sure and both the legacy of learning she gave to her own family as well as the foster children and neighborhood kids she had no obligation to help is inspiring to us all!
What factors do you think were most important to Mama Rock’s success? What strategies of hers do you employ in your own home? Please share in the comments.