Six Ways to Make People Like You [on Facebook]: If Dale Carnegie was Your Facebook Friend

Dale Carnegie is author of one of the best-selling business publications of all time, How to Win Friends and Influence People, first published in 1936. In this work, Mr. Carnegie sets forth a variety of principles of human behavior, including “Fundamental Techniques in Handling People,” “Six Ways to Make People Like You,” and “Three Ways to Win People Over to Your Way of Thinking.” Mr. Carnegie was a true rags to riches story himself. He was born the son of a poor Missouri farmer and went on to become a successful salesperson and best-selling author.

Many of Mr. Carnegie’s ideas are extremely simple, common-sense types of tips. The genius in his book, however, is that he makes you stop and reflect on how you are (or are not) using these tips and reminds us that simple principles of human kindness never go out of style. In today’s post, I ask whether Mr. Carnegie, if alive today, would be able to use his champion techniques to win friends on Facebook? How can we translate Carnegie tips for in-person social interaction to the online world of social networking? Would Mr. Carnegie be a popular Facebook friend? So, inspired by his classic book I give you:

Dale Carnegie’s Six Ways to Make People Like You [on Facebook]

1. Appreciate Your Friends.

“All of us, be we workers in a factory, clerks in an office or even a king upon his throne – all of us like people who admire us. . . . In our interpersonal relations we should never forget that all our associates are human beings and hunger for appreciation. It is the legal tender that all souls enjoy. . . . If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people – things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness.”

-Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence People

Specific Actions:

• Remember birthdays (I am not so good at this myself but many people treasure a wall full of “Happy Birthday” repetitive messages. Even better if you take a few more seconds to try to personalize it just for that person.)
• Enthusiastically respond to messages from friends
• Find ways to help people achieve their own goals while helping yourself.

2. Spread happiness

“Every body in the world is seeking happiness . . [A] smile says, ‘I like you, You make me happy. I am glad to see you.’ . . . Your smile is a messenger of your good will. Your smile brightens the lives of all who see it. To someone who has seen a dozen people frown, scowl or turn their faces away, your smile is like the sun breaking through the clouds. Especially when that someone is under pressure from his bosses, his customers, his teachers or parents or children, a smile can help him realize that all is not hopeless – that there is joy in the world.”

-Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence People

Specific Actions:

• Smile while you are typing.
• Post more positive than negative news.
• Be funny. If you have an excellent sense of humor, be generous with your funny comments, links and videos. Make other people laugh.

3. Use people’s names.

“Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.”

-Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence People

Specific actions:

• Personalize your messages. Send a direct message to one person rather than a status update to everyone. Write on a specific person’s wall.
• Be generous in your public shout-outs to your friends and call attention to their positive qualities. “Craving Sue’s delicious cheesecake.” “Admiring Steve’s green lawn.”

4. Read other people’s posts and engage them in conversation.

“[B]e an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.”

-Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence People

Specific Actions:

• Show you are listening. If someone posts major news or a request for attention, don’t ignore it. Comment back or click the “like” button.

5. Talk About Your Friends’ Interests More Than Your Own.

“Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problems. A person’s toothache means more to that person than a famine in China which kills a million people. A boil on one’s neck interests one more than forty earthquakes in Africa. Think of that the next time you start a conversation. . . [T]he royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most.”

-Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence People

Specific Actions:

• Post more comments on other people’s posts than status updates of your own.
• In all your posts, try to tie in your friends. Always let them know you are thinking of them, wishing them well, etc.

6. Respect Your Friends’ Authority and Power.

“There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the other person feel important. . . . The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.”

-Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence People.

Specific Actions:

• Less narcissism more flattery.  Of all of Carnegie’s maxims, this is the one I see most frequently violated on Facebook (and probably have violated myself). How infrequently are we posting things that help someone else out or saying things to raise their profiles like, “You are the best ____ I have ever met!” Facebook is more frequently a public narcissism competition to flaunt one’s own swellness.
• Remember your manners. Use please and thank you. (I would especially like to see this for fundraising requests. Too often these are structured as guilt trips rather than polite requests.)

So, imagine for a moment that Dale Carnegie is on Facebook and is your friend. How much would you enjoy reading the following exchanges:

Dale Carnegie [private message]: [name], thanks for the friend request! How are you doing? It’s been too long since we last caught up.

Dale Carnegie: [name], the whole family had a blast at ______. I haven’t laughed that hard in ages. Thanks for a perfect weekend!

Dale Carnegie: Happy Birthday, [name]! You look so young and beautiful. No one would believe we have been friends for 10 years and counting!

Dale Carnegie: [name], I am in awe of your ____ skills. You are the best ____ around!

Dale Carnegie: [name], your toothache sounds horrendous! My sympathies. Could I send you a sample of my new homeopathic remedy to aid in your recovery?

Dale Carnegie: [name], I agree more should be done in the pursuit of greening the earth. What do you think of carbon credits?

But would the Dale Carnegie of 1936 become a little more jaded in 2010 and succumb to the narcissistic and lurking tendencies of Facebook? Would his posts instead read:

[Name] and Dale Carnegie are now friends.

Dale Carnegie: Hangin’ with the fam’ in Cabo San Lucas! [insert jealousy-inducing beach picture]

[No other messages]

Do you apply Dale Carnegie’s principles in your Facebook messages or other communications? What other tips would you add? Please share in the comments.